The Breakdown: Marathon Training Week VII

The world is weighing me down. I don't even know how I can walk because things feel that heavy on my shoulders. I thought the group training run would be the remedy on Saturday but turns out it wasn't.

I always listen to music on my way to any run. I sing, I shake and I get pumped up. But that morning, I don't really recall singing. Just thinking. So much thinking I passed my exit, twice.

I was frustrated the first time but I shrugged it off and turned around. The second time my mind wondered right back to that place, you know that miserably dark place and before I knew it I passed it again. That is when I decided to get off the hway and pull into a gas station.

As I parked my car my eyes filled with tears my heart burst with so much emotion.

It was unexpected.

I felt so sad. So angry. So confused.

I realized there was no way I could run. I just couldn't show up and pretend to be ok.
I couldn't run, I would have literally dragged my body if I had. So I sat there and text Harley that I wouldn't be coming.

More tears fell from my eyes.

I was giving up something I loved, running because of anxiety.

And that's what anxiety does. It robs you of your happiness. It consumes your life. You feel it in your heart, your head, your body. Everywhere.

I sat in that lot for awhile just crying until eventually my cries became deep breaths and little whimpers.

I drove home feeling  emotionally drained in silence. When I got out of the car I felt the sun hit the back of my neck, the wind blew a little and I felt like myself for a second.

I sat outside alone for awhile, staring out at the world not thinking just...existing.

Out of nowhere, I got up and started jogging. I didn't plan on running that day. But at that moment it just happened. And it happened for 2 hours.
Two thoughtless hours with just me and my surroundings.

When I finished I still felt a pain in my heart but my mind felt so much more clear.

I am so happy to have found running as a coping mechanism. It is so hard to battle something like anxiety that WANTS you to be miserable, that WANTS to take away your happiness. I am so glad even though my heart hurt I continued on with something I enjoyed. Something I'm working toward.

The past month has been hard.

I must admit, but it is  much easier for me to be completely miserable then happy.
But that's not who I want to be.
Not anymore.
And I will work as hard as I can to not others actions serve as a catalyst to my anxiety.
It wont be easy and it wont get easier anytime soon.
But I will try because that's who I want to be.