On My Mind

I haven't ran in THREE weeks. I feel like shit because of it. The medication I am on to control my autoimmune junk made my heart race (like going up the stairs I had to stop to take a breath). We lowered the one medication to stop this and now that its been lowered I can feel my muscles starting to burn which probably means my body is starting to attack its own muscles, again.

My plan was to run today since my heart is no longer racing but those damn muscles are hurting again. I think I will just push through it. My body NEEDS to run. I have a lot of tension built up that needs to be released.

But there is something about your body hurting when it shouldn't that makes it hard to do things like running. I suppose its a natural instinct- you're in pain don't run.

But here is the thing- this will become my new normal. The pain is not bad- its just there. I'm hoping one day it will be like cramps- you just don't notice them anymore. But right now, that's not the case.

A few months back I was getting arthritis in my hands and it would just come and go. When it happened it was very noticeable. Well, I was jogging and pretty happy then all of a sudden I felt my hand hurt. I swear this strong primal instinct to roar over came my body. I didn't of course but I wanted to roar as loud as I could in pain, and in anger, and from sorrow.

Its so hard to describe the frustration I am experiencing.

I am not sharing this on facebook nor telling people. In fact, I think only our parents and two other people know. I don't want to be a poster child for disease nor do I have any intent to "inspire" people through my "journey." Its just a shitty part of life that I will learn to live with.

I am actually feeling super hesitant to post this. But I find it comforting. One day, I will read back on this post and remember this experience and just like my other old posts I will see my own personal growth and my personal journey. And it will make ME stronger.