The Color Run

Happiness can not always be easily found, especially during tough times. But sometimes, it takes the right person and the right place to for you to let your guard down and let happiness consume you.

 

A friend.

 

 

 

Things like pretty colors and a pretty day.

 

 

 

Running without a care.

 

 

 

Its kinda funny actually, how such simple things can bring so much joy and happiness to ones world.

 

 

 

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”

 

 

Breaking up is hard to do

I've been struggling with something for several months now.
Happiness at work.
I have decided to leave.
I knew this wouldn't be my forever job.
I knew I would leave to advance, one day.
But I did not know it would be now.

I tried to shrug it off.
But then it started to catch up with me.
Remember me talking about those bad jogs? The one where I passed my exit and pulled into the gas station crying? It was because I was thinking of work. Or the most miserable 20 miler ever? Yeah... I couldn't shake it no matter what I did.

Pray, work harder, stay longer...it just didn't matter.

There were several occasions where I wanted to throw in the towel and quit on the spot.
But that's just not how I roll.
I DON'T give up.
But I realized I'm not giving up.
I'm accepting that I deserve better.
I'm accepting that its not the place for me.

After an unbearable day last week I calmly shut my door and wrote my resignation letter.
I have never left a job because I wasn't happy.

When I transitioned from my last job to come to this place I worked 10 hour days to help prepare for the next person, I cried, my boss cried but it was for the best or so we all thought.
Whereas here, I can't wait until the last day.

After I turned in my resignation letter I felt a huge sigh of relief. A huge weight was lifted. But at the same time I felt beaten down, worn, emotionally exhausted, and hurt...

And honestly, I thought I would never experience these feelings again.
But it turns out, you don't have to be with someone to experience the emotions of a break up.
I'm going through a break up and it hurts just as badly as I remember it.

Pause

I think training for any race is straining on yourself and your significant other. Add some life drama to the mix and you and your partner can feel suffocated pretty fast.

 

With our schedules and with training the Champ, Eddie and I just haven't had much time together.

Its been a bummer.

Literally, Ill get home from a training run and he is heading out to work, I'm going to work and he is heading home.

No, this isn't always the schedule.

But sometimes that's life.

There just isn't time.

And life just sucks, period.

 

Two days before the marathon I was exhausted and really, really down. I didn't want to do my last run. I just wanted to, I don't know go watch Teen Mom and play on my phone.

But Michael, I mean The Champ grabbed the dog's leash and my shoes and before you knew it I was out there jogging, The Champ following behind on his bike. Although we only did 3 miles, those 3 miles felt so great. We didn't talk about anything really.

We were all together.

Taking in the sun.

Taking in our surroundings.

Taking deep breathes. 

We were happy.

It was just what our little family needed.

To pause and left go.

The Breakdown: Marathon Training Week VII

The world is weighing me down. I don't even know how I can walk because things feel that heavy on my shoulders. I thought the group training run would be the remedy on Saturday but turns out it wasn't.

I always listen to music on my way to any run. I sing, I shake and I get pumped up. But that morning, I don't really recall singing. Just thinking. So much thinking I passed my exit, twice.

I was frustrated the first time but I shrugged it off and turned around. The second time my mind wondered right back to that place, you know that miserably dark place and before I knew it I passed it again. That is when I decided to get off the hway and pull into a gas station.

As I parked my car my eyes filled with tears my heart burst with so much emotion.

It was unexpected.

I felt so sad. So angry. So confused.

I realized there was no way I could run. I just couldn't show up and pretend to be ok.
I couldn't run, I would have literally dragged my body if I had. So I sat there and text Harley that I wouldn't be coming.

More tears fell from my eyes.

I was giving up something I loved, running because of anxiety.

And that's what anxiety does. It robs you of your happiness. It consumes your life. You feel it in your heart, your head, your body. Everywhere.

I sat in that lot for awhile just crying until eventually my cries became deep breaths and little whimpers.

I drove home feeling  emotionally drained in silence. When I got out of the car I felt the sun hit the back of my neck, the wind blew a little and I felt like myself for a second.

I sat outside alone for awhile, staring out at the world not thinking just...existing.

Out of nowhere, I got up and started jogging. I didn't plan on running that day. But at that moment it just happened. And it happened for 2 hours.
Two thoughtless hours with just me and my surroundings.

When I finished I still felt a pain in my heart but my mind felt so much more clear.

I am so happy to have found running as a coping mechanism. It is so hard to battle something like anxiety that WANTS you to be miserable, that WANTS to take away your happiness. I am so glad even though my heart hurt I continued on with something I enjoyed. Something I'm working toward.

The past month has been hard.

I must admit, but it is  much easier for me to be completely miserable then happy.
But that's not who I want to be.
Not anymore.
And I will work as hard as I can to not others actions serve as a catalyst to my anxiety.
It wont be easy and it wont get easier anytime soon.
But I will try because that's who I want to be.

Winter Break

The past two weeks have been by far the most relaxing moments of 2013. The moment I got off for winter break I unplugged my life, well for the most part... I did tweet. Throughout December I felt the entire weight of the world on my shoulders. The Champ was working an easy 60 hours a week, I was gone 50, the house was a wreck, we didn't have time together, there was no "me time" and life just felt...overwhelming.

The moment I got off I decided my goal for the break was not to "have fun" and "relax" but to become completely rejuvenated.

I needed it, we needed it.

I joked and called it "Operation  Rejuvenation".

My goal was to clear my mind, have quality time with the Champ and myself, focus on the good and get rid of that "mindset" you know the downer, the one that is stressed, the one that thinks of the million things you have to do and doesn't let you just live happily in the moment? Yeah, that one. Adios!

Each day I made dinner. It was wonderful. One of my pet peeves is not eating healthy dinners when we work a lot. Truth is, it annoys me when we don't. Each night I made a healthy and delish meal for us.

I felt great because...
1. I was making something healthy for my family
2. I was proud of myself and kinda felt like a good awesome wife
3. We ate as a family. I realized when we pop something in last minute we typically don't eat together. He's in front of the computer and I'm in front of the TV. We both treat home cooked meals differently. They weren't "casual" nor did we go our separate ways, we enjoyed the meal together.

Since the tendonitis, I haven't been running.

Although I have experimented and enjoyed other workouts nothing is quite the same as running. I decided to make my runs more "causal."  I knew I had to build my mileage back up but honestly when your doctor says start out slow that's a subjective answer to a marathoner. Knowing I didn't want to injure myself  and knowing it was time to start back, I decided to take it really easy. Every other day I ran 2 miles. It honestly takes me about 3 miles to warm up and get in my groove. But not running for sometime I just felt everything loosen up fast.

Running a "short distance" was nice because although I crave distance you do have to devote a chunk of time if you run anything more then 6 miles (at my pace at least). So two miles was perfect. It was so much easier to just put on a pair of shoes and run around the block. I am going to do this more often. Not every run has to be a training run...sometimes 20 minutes is all you need to clear your mind.

With work you dress professional, no statements and with running you dress for comfort. But what about "normal" days? Remember your teenage days? It would take me 5 minutes to just put on mascara. Every lash was perfect. I would paint my nails to match my outfit. I wore a facemask every night.

Well, no I didn't go to that extreme but reflecting on that time it was fun and I felt pretty.
No I didn't wear masks or paints my nails each day but I did experiment with new hairstyles.
You know the ones you pin on pinterest but never try?
Yep. I tried several.
Although they didn't turn out fabulous, I tried.
It felt nice to be feminine.
It felt nice to embrace a side that has been a bit neglected.

Neglect. I think that's a word to sum up stress. You neglect the wonderful life you have and focus on the bad. The past two weeks, Operation  Rejuvenation allowed me to push neglect aside to focus on the important things, to clear my mind, to be a better person, to be a better wife, and to be a better me.

I feel confident after this break that when I go back to work tomorrow I will be fresh, rejuvenated and ready to take on the world again.

Have you ever needed a break?
What do you do to clear your mind?
How do you change things up in times of stress?

One of those days...

After yesterday afternoons grand finale I felt mega lost. I was so pissed at myself and cant even really describe the emotion I was experiencing because it was a new one. Neat, huh?

I decided more then ever I needed to get up and workout before work. I needed to be fresh, and on top of things. So I woke up at 4:50 and hopped on my treadmill at 5:00.  I was still out of it and was in the midst of my warm up when my ipad lost Internet. I restarted it, and it played again and I started running. About 5 minutes later it happened again. Well, I kept going without music (ugh) I think I was at a half a mile and ol' wild arms knocked off the emergency belt and my time and distance was erased. Um, boo.

At that point I was pissed. Instead of throwing in the towel or not working out to music (give me a break guys it was 5am I needed something to help pump me up) I climbed up into the attic to get a stereo system and set it up. By this time I killed 30 minutes of my workout. I knew I couldn't do everything I wanted but dang it I got up at 4:50 and I need a good, sweaty, hard run.

 

With funeral for a friend blaring in the background I ran on a 3 incline alternating a 15 minute pace to a 7:30. I finished my mile at 9:34. I really wanted to keep going but I also wanted to work on some other body parts. So I did 100 bicycle crunches.

In the picture below the extended leg was not low enough. In fact, it was way to high (for me). I like for my leg to hover over the ground- I feel a major difference doing it this way. If your curious, yes I have my husband take photos of me when I try new things out to ensure I have proper form.

My mans a champ!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I did only one set of 30 15 lbs. bent-over roll

 

Followed by 2x15 modified push ups. Hey, you have to start somewhere!

 

At that point I called it a morning. Warmed down by taking wild man Eddie (my dog) on a walk.

 

I was still feeling pretty frustrated with myself so I completely made myself up for work.

I may have felt bad emotionally, but I wanted to at least feel good about myself.

 

And then... I went to the bakery and I bought a ton of goodies for me my colleagues and I.

 

See that?

Its an apple fritter and it was longer then my pen. I ate the entire thing.

Major Noms.

 

My day may have gotten a little better after that.

 

 

 

 

 

Why Run?

When you meet a runner its like meeting someone from your town but in a completely different state. You suddenly are bffs and can relate to everything. I am like other runners to an extent but not lately. Running and fitness has taken on a new meaning to me.

I started to run for stress relief. You see I have a mild anxiety disorder. I have had it under control due to medication and fitness for sometime now. After my marathon my husband and I wanted to slowly come off the medication so we could eventually start our own little family.

 

We talked about babies for months before the marathon. It made us so happy talking about having our own baby.

 

We thought the timing would be superb. I was in optimal health, accomplished a major goal and  I was so happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

We knew weaning would take a awhile but the goal was to get off. You know, be medicine free and then start a family.  I knew I was ready to get off the medication. I wanted to get off of it. I didn't need it! Well, this didn't happen.

I went to my trusted doctor and we began the weaning process. After about a week I started to notice a difference in my mood. I was angry, I didn't want to workout, I didn't want to do anything but sleep. Then I started making mistakes on simple things. All of a sudden my side effects were effecting my life and those around me. I waited several weeks hoping, praying my body just had to adjust to the "newness." But it didn't.

It was decided I needed to stay on the medication. Our plans to start a family over the next year are no more. I cried a little and felt really disappointed in myself. I've done everything to overcome this "anxiety" yet it plagued me. It won, this time.

So now, a family isn't in the near future. Hard times lie ahead when we make the choice to wean again. It actually brings me to tears writing this. To not have control over your body for whatever reason is so defeating especially when you are truly happy!

Honestly, I decided to not think of children. AT.ALL.

No planning.

No, can you imagine a little Michael?

No nothing, yet.

I have decided that I want to take control of my body.

I'm about to be 30.

I don't have children.

And because of that I have decided I am going to be the healthiest I have ever been. I am going get in optimal shape. Because... I have no reason not to.

I have found solitude in that I can take control of my body in a positive manner.

Why do I run? Not to win races, not to get more medals (although I do like them!), not to PR but because it helps me cope with things I can not change.

 

 

"How do you cope with life?"

"Have you ever found refuge in running?"